Thursday, May 19, 2005

Oh, You Would Think

Just in from the Politburo: news that suggests that a bunch of meteors hit the earth at about the same time as the one that formed the KT crater (for the uninformed: the KT crater is widely believed to have been the crater caused by the meteor that killed the dinosaurs). Let us ponder this, though. Bill Bryson, in his A Short History of Nearly Everything, tells us that it is EXTREMELY rare for meteors to hit the earth (and by this we mean actually make impact with the surface of the earth), even though many burn up in the atmosphere and those that don't often come very very close to hitting the earth anyway. It would be quite a climactic occurrence: Bryson speaks of incineration on a massive scale, burial on an even larger scale, and darkness on an undoubtedly global scale, crippling our little blue-green planet. But that's beside the point. The point is that it's bullshit. All those meteors hitting earth and making craters at the same time? I suspect it is rather a mass cover-up. I believe it was rather a massive space goat which was angered by the refusal of the dinosaurs to worship it and decided the planet needed a good ramming. No one will tell you this is true: they are trying to hide the fact that the goat is only being appeased by small groups of worshippers who pray night and day to make up for the blatant turning away of the entire world to His Will. They say "Look at Jupiter, look at the Shoemaker-Levy 9 comet, I'm a big scientist-face so I know what I'm talking about." Yea, whatever, dude. Everyone knows Jupiter is actually a magnet, and it is attracting meteors that are hitting it all the time. God, any Joe Dumbass with a degree from community college can be a scientist these days.

Goat be praised.