Monday, November 22, 2004

If you don't laugh at this, you have no soul.

this is an audio post - click to play

Thursday, November 18, 2004

The Boxers Scandal

A few weeks ago I overslept. As I hurried to get dressed for school, I wasn't really paying very much attention to what I put on.

I got in my car, but my pants felt really uncomfortable. They usually do anyway, because my car's so small that I have to drive half-lying down, so my pants usually get pushed down off my ass from my constant repositioning of myself so that I can drive the damn thing. But this time it was really weird. I stuck my hand between my pants and boxers to adjust myself, and lo and behold...

There was another pair of boxers stuck inside the ones I was already wearing.

Monday, November 15, 2004

The Tomato Scandal

In the days when my family was a simple, farming collective (OK, they had a Victory Garden in their backyard), my great-grandfather used to grow tomatoes. By fate alone, the neighbors raised chickens, which persistently got out of their shoddily-made pen and pecked the tomatoes, effectively ruining them. On one such day, my great-grandfather decided he had had enough, and put all the ruined tomatoes in a basket near the garage. He fully intended on reading the neighbors the riot act as soon as they returned home.

Meanwhile, my grandfather and his friend came home from school. Notorious for being pranksters, they saw the tomatoes in the basket and immediately began hatching plans in their mind. In one of his less interesting scandals, my grandfather and his friend took the tomatoes and threw them at the side of the garage, leaving the side pink with the juices. Pleased with themselves, they went on their merry way.

Later that day, the neighbor returned home from work. My great-grandfather saw him walking up to his door and quickly intercepted him, saying "Come look what your chickens did to my tomatoes!"

We can only assume that the man immediately went inside to call the Yankees and offer them a new batch of pitchers.

A Surprise at Paul's Run

Bubby turned to look at us as we came in. We all took our seats around the table to talk with her, even though as soon as we left those seats she would forget we were there.

My dad smiled. "Hi Mom, remember your grandson?"

As if we were long-time friends who had not seen each other in years.

I smiled nonetheless, and she looked at me and said "Oh yes, look at that fersnacker. That fersnacker fer nacker snacker and we went downtown and got the tajigat and the tajigati taj."

She had a complication of Alzheimer's which stole from her the ability to form English words, leaving in its place a gibberish engine which was obviously working overtime.

"Bubby, how are you?" I asked politely.

"Oh, I gaterat my gaterat and gaterat."

I stifled a laugh. I felt bad as soon as I remembered the seriousness of the situation.

A man was sitting to her left, his head lolling on his chest and drool slowly emanating from the corner of his mouth. He stared at me with an empty, unblinking gaze. Feeling uncomfortable, I asked "Can I help you?"

He continued to stare, then uttered something unintelligible. I focused on my grandmother again. She was speaking nonsense to my father, who looked as if he was taking in every word and carefully considering its value.

I sighed. These visits were always tedious, but for some reason today all I wanted to do was leave.

The man started grumbling again. He had dropped his shoe on the ground. I reached down to pick it up, and handed it back to him. He placed it in his lap and glazed over again. He grumbled once again.

I looked back at Bubby, who was now forcing down a piece of pumpkin pie. The man began to stare at the pumpkin pie. Bubby began talking as soon as the pie was down, but the man gave a sudden, clarifying interruption.

"Mrrmrmrmrrrrmr...mrrrrWILL YOU SHUT UP!"

Silence followed. Bubby turned very slowly to look at him. Her brow furrowed and I feared for what was about to come.

She opened her mouth, which previously had procured nothing but pure nonsense, and began to speak.

"Vus vils du? VUS VILS DU?"

My dad suddenly laughed out loud. I turned to him with confusion. Between bouts of laughter he explained to me that she was speaking perfect Yiddish, and asking the man, in essence, what the hell he was doing.

I had new respect for Bubby after that.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Hannibal Crosses the Alps

"Sire, sire, the Carthaginians are attacking!"
"Hahaha, we knew they'd attack."
"But they're coming over the Alps, sir!"
"They're coming over the Alps, we knew they'd do that."
"But they're coming on elephants, sir! Great, big elephants!"
"...(deep breath)...Say that again?"
"Elephants, sir! The Carthaginians are attacking on elephants!"
"Hahaha...(nervous pause)...What's an elephant?"
"Well, it's like a big, upside-down squirrel, sir."
"Run that by me again, will you?"
"It's like a squirrel upside-down, with the legs on the bottom bit, and pumped up at the back, sir. Very large."
"Jesus CHRIST, that scares me!"

-Explanation of the situation to the Roman General who fought Hannibal.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Mischief Night

A lot of people put really incredibly boring stories on their blogs because they think people care about their menial, day-to-day tasks.

I swear to you every story I post will be worth reading, complete with suspense and good punchline.

So Mischief Night was a few nights ago, and friend (herein referred to as "X") and I decided it would be a grand ole time if we got 3 cartons of eggs and painted the town. We were having the time of our lives.

About half an hour in, we were hiding on a corner behind some very sparse bushes, throwing eggs at passing cars then ducking down and hiding. It came to me that we were not very hidden at all, and we should definitely move to a more densely-forested location by the side of the road. I voiced this to X, and he agreed. We started to move.

As we were crossing from position 1 to position 2 (see map below), a car turned from Street 1 onto Street 2. I yelled at X not to throw an egg because they were too close, but X being X, he proceeded to walk into the middle of the street about 15 feet behind the car and wing an egg at it.

As soon as the red glow from the brake lights registered in my mind, my legs took off running to position 3. by way of Street 1.

X was right behind me, and we both dropped to the ground and lay there as the kids got out of the car and began yelling at us to come out and fight them, or else they would cut our dicks off.

Eventually they turned back and went right down Street 1, so X and I proceeded to move quickly in the other direction, left down Street 1, to position 4. We were still walking, but by the time we reached position 4 I turned around and saw three shapes tearing after us at approximately position 5.

I screamed like a girl and ran down to position 6, right next to where we started on the corner with the sparse bushes. As I darted into someone's lawn and began to hop the fence, one of those motion-sensor lights came on, bathing me in light on some stranger's lawn with three pissed off kids right behind us.

It seemed to be all over. And then something which I couldn't make up because I'm not creative enough happened.

X's parents pulled up in their van on Street 1 right next to where we were on the lawn and asked us if we needed a ride. As I struggled to open the door, the three kids were probably within 15 feet of us, and the one in front looked me in the eye and said "Yo man, why you gonna throw an egg at my car?"

Scared as all hell and fearing for my life, I whipped the sliding door open and said "I'm just gonna get in the van now."

That was the most fun X and I had in a long time.

MAP (for reference):