Thursday, June 02, 2005


"Irony is a bunch of idiots dancing around on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash."
-Nicholas Cage as Garland Greene in Con Air, on the song "Sweet Home Alabama"

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Oh, You Would Think

Just in from the Politburo: news that suggests that a bunch of meteors hit the earth at about the same time as the one that formed the KT crater (for the uninformed: the KT crater is widely believed to have been the crater caused by the meteor that killed the dinosaurs). Let us ponder this, though. Bill Bryson, in his A Short History of Nearly Everything, tells us that it is EXTREMELY rare for meteors to hit the earth (and by this we mean actually make impact with the surface of the earth), even though many burn up in the atmosphere and those that don't often come very very close to hitting the earth anyway. It would be quite a climactic occurrence: Bryson speaks of incineration on a massive scale, burial on an even larger scale, and darkness on an undoubtedly global scale, crippling our little blue-green planet. But that's beside the point. The point is that it's bullshit. All those meteors hitting earth and making craters at the same time? I suspect it is rather a mass cover-up. I believe it was rather a massive space goat which was angered by the refusal of the dinosaurs to worship it and decided the planet needed a good ramming. No one will tell you this is true: they are trying to hide the fact that the goat is only being appeased by small groups of worshippers who pray night and day to make up for the blatant turning away of the entire world to His Will. They say "Look at Jupiter, look at the Shoemaker-Levy 9 comet, I'm a big scientist-face so I know what I'm talking about." Yea, whatever, dude. Everyone knows Jupiter is actually a magnet, and it is attracting meteors that are hitting it all the time. God, any Joe Dumbass with a degree from community college can be a scientist these days.

Goat be praised.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Eddie Izzard: Comic Genius

You've gotta have a big, fuck-off name to run the United Nations, haven't you? "Javier Perez de Cuellar"...Come on in, Jav! Come on in there, you old javelin-thrower, you, come on in. "Boutros Boutros-Ghali?" Come on in, Boutros Boutros. "I'm Jeff Smith!" Fuck off, Jeff Smith, you short-named bastard, you! "I've changed my name, it's Jeff Jeff Jeff Smith Smith Smithly Ghali!" Come on in, Jeffrey-big long-named person.


The American Dream

The American Way has and always will be focused towards creating things that have greater yield for less effort put in. This can be seen in such instances as the Diet Revolution (there's a new diet every day, each one promoting an easier lifestyle than the one before it), high-speed internet, TiVo (God forbid you should have to schedule your VCR to tape something), navigational systems in cars (because maps are so hard to read), and, my favorite, the bouncy ball. The bouncy ball exceeds the others by far in its adherence to the American Way. We put so little effort into throwing that little neon ball, and who among us is not amused or excited every time it bounces back much higher than we ever expected it to?

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

It is Gray, and My Hiding No Longer Matters

My lord, you play'd once i' the university, you say?

That did I, my lord, and was accounted a good actor.

What did you enact?

I did enact Julius Caesar. I was kill'd i' the Capitol; Brutus killed me.

It was a brute part of him to kill so capital a calf there.

It's Light and No One's Looking For Me

Conscience makes cowards of us all.

It's Dark And There's Nowhere to Hide

"Fuge, nate-dea. Fuge extemplo ex hoc loco. Troja cadenta te consumabit." Et multis factis perfectis, Trojanus Aeneas reliquit incenda ruina quae Troja fuerat.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005


Half of the time we're gone, but we don't know where...we don't know where.

-Simon and Garfunkel

Sunday, January 02, 2005 much like the surgeon's blade which as it cuts both heals and destroys. It is that powerful.

-Danny Sugerman

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Fuck the Oscars

Don't watch the Oscars. They'll fuck you out of the good movies. Critics are fickle, and they lie through their teeth on occasion. Here:

10 Best Movies of my Present Mindset

10. Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)
I put this in not so much because I think it is the 10th best movie of all time, but more because I see Michael Moore as one of the greatest documentarians in history. His ability to persuade and prove his point using powers of deduction and research is thoroughly unparalleled.

9. Donnie Darko (2001)
The darkest movie I've ever seen, by far. Fucking awesome.

8. American History X (1998)
Great commentary on the racism still present in our society, as much as we'd love to ignore it and write it off as non-existent.

7. Kill Bill Vols. 1 + 2 (2003 and 2004 resp.)
I used to think Quentin Tarantino was a pretentious dickface, especially after I saw him on TRL spouting some shit about being part of a breed of dying artists. I actually still think he is, to some extent, but I'm confident in saying he makes damn good movies. He's one of the rare directors who reads up on his shit and places his movies against years of experience in Japanese culture, the anime style of animation, and the typical American gung-ho action flick. Both "volumes" (I hate that he didn't just call them Kill Bill and Kill Bill 2) show an in-depth understanding of the genres he is working in, much in the same way that up-and-coming painters will study the works of great artists in the same medium from past generations. I think that his work is very much on par with that of the great breakthrough filmmakers of our day, like Andy and Linda (nee Larry) Wachowski, Charlie Kaufman, and Ang Lee.

6. The Matrix (1999)
There's so much more depth to this film than it ever gets credit for. The Wachowskis know their shit - they understand the use of symbolism in films better than most directors in the past 20 years. I was watching this on TV recently, thinking to myself that every time I watch it I see more things symbolic of life and death. You can look at me and call me a haughty dickhead for writing this, but next time you watch it, look at the mirror montage, or the constant use of color and even sound (take Neo's scream turning to an electronic whine) to illustrate a point better than the plot ever could.

5. Apocalypse Now (1979)
If you've read Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried, you know that stories about Vietnam are not so much based in fact as much as they are based in the emotions that occurred during the event in question. Apocalypse Now chronicles this in a beautiful yet deadly array of images that range from the most gruesome things you'll ever see to the more wondrous and graceful aspects of war. Coppola moves seamlessly from scenes involving the worst atrocities you could possibly imagine, like a man holding his own guts in with a pan, to the prettiest and most awe-inspiring shots that could possibly come from such a hellish place, like the seeming weightlessness and power of a squadron of helicopters as they swoop down and bomb an unsuspecting village to the tune of Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries". Probably the most gorgeous movie I've ever seen in respect to cinematography and color schemes.

4. Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
Watch it. Learn it. Love it. There's no better commentary on the age that it was made in, the paranoia of that Cold War mentality that came with the 50's on through the 70's.

3. Goodfellas (1990)
Scorcese is a fucking genius. Nothing less. The cast didn't lessen the character of the film either: Ray Liotta, Robert De Niro, Joe Pesci, it doesn't get much better. Fuck the Godfather trilogy - I call this the best gangster movie of all time. I can't even explain it in words, you just feel it so much more than you'll ever feel any movie in the same category.

2. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)
It's impossible to explain the allure of this movie unless you either are a high school senior or have the memory of being one fresh in your mind. I liked this movie for years, but only now, being a second-semester senior am I truly growing to appreciate what this movie has to offer. The carelessness, freedom, and apathetic nature that comes with the knowledge that it's almost over for this chapter of your life can lead to such things happening. The accessibility of this is so great that it became the only movie where I know next to every line. Save Ferris.

1. Gladiator (2000)
I know some of you are going to see this and automatically think it's bullshit because the movie was so hyped and overpopularized. Fuck that. When you get down to the core of it, this movie is all-out unbelievable. In every area, it trumps anything I can remember. The plot is riveting, nothing less. It nearly had me crying at some parts, especially at the end. The music aids the story, jerking the emotions of the more attentive crowd. In addition, the characters are easily related to - Maximus (Russel Crowe) as the wronged man seeking revenge is arguably the most accessible archetype in movie history. Even in lesser categories, the ones that usually go unappreciated and under the radar like cinematography, supporting roles, and costumes, Gladiator is second to none (I took Latin for 6 years in school, and I can safely say that this movie is as close to perfectly accurate as it can possibly get, being a work of historical fiction). Props for using Hans Zimmer too - best composer of our times.